1)
Guess what I found? Usually followed
by a mysterious closed hand that I am not sure I want to open. The other day my
oldest was outside and came in with this exact presentation. I never know if it
is something alive and/or how many legs it will have. Therefore that level of
unknown mobility is slightly scary when you are not really fully adapted to the
boy mom life. Thankfully most of the
time it some form of rock, dirt, or garbage, which I can handle.
2)
I want some more, please. I know
what you are thinking. This seems harmless. To understand the problem with this
short polite request, I need to provide some context. This phrase is dangerous
when your kids are not participating in any eating or drinking event but rather
coloring with crayons. When I first heard this, I was watching a TV show while
my oldest two did some artwork at the table about 15 ft away. They were giggling
and getting along so well when the youngest exclaimed, “I want some more,
please.” I thought ‘oh he is so sweet,
asking for more crayons and in a way I wasn’t far off. One look at his
colorful grin and I knew that he did indeed need more because he ATE the 2 he
was using.
3)
I feel wet. With many liquids in my
kids' lives on a daily basis, this is alarming in that you are never quite sure
which one is the cause when those 3 little words are uttered. With one kid fully potty trained and the other
just starting the potty adventure, it is definitely cringe worthy. Then you have to do the smell thing, you know
the one where you try to decipher the cause of the wet spot so you can take
your next step accordingly. For some reason, this statement has an uncanny way
of popping up when you are in a rush OR
if you just cleaned the car seats.
4)
I didn’t do it. This usually leads
to a toddler version of A Few Good Men where it feels somehow like they are
Jack Nicholson and we truly “can’t handle the truth.” Nevertheless we pursue
the integration to somehow bring justice to why there are 56 pairs of shoes in
a “shoe rainbow” across the mudroom floor.
5)
I stepped in something. If you have
pets and 3 kids like myself, this is always a crapshoot. Literally, it might
involve the c-word. Again you have to become the mom version of "Blues Clues" and
decide if it was an unfortunate missed spot of spilt applesauce or if your cat
had a hairball.
6) “-------“ This my friends, is the
dreaded sound of silence. It happens when you least expect it, when the kids
are seemingly well behaved and have had no issues for the past 2 hours. Because
of this, you let your guard down and put your multi-tasking into ultra-gear,
thinking “Wow, I’m actually going to get so much done today.” You pull out all
the stops, even the steam mop that in and of itself needs a steam mopping prior
to use because it lives above the litter box in the closet. You finally collect all the clutter off the
floor and are about to channel your inner ‘Mr. Clean’ when all of the
sudden you hear it. Nothing. The infamous sound of nothing and realize it is
too good to be true. Before kids, the sound of nothing was glamorized as the
ideal form of relaxation. Who didn’t
love the sweet as pie ode to romance; “When you say nothing at all." But now
as boy mom the lack of noise has become a red flag that something has gone
terribly wrong. Please reference the above picture: 2.5 minutes before the
multitasking mama appeared, this boy was not blue and was fully clothed.
